There comes a certain point in every person’s life when he or she will be required to make a decision of tremendous magnitude, bearing lifelong ramifications. A few examples might include picking the right spouse, quitting your job, giving away your parachute, and most importantly: trying to find a 40 alternative.
Perhaps due to some evolutionary mishap, the human body does not lend itself well to drinking malt liquor every waking hour. This leads to times when we simply cannot take any more brutal high-gravity carbonation. These dark hours which I will hereby refer to as “doldrums,” force us to find something else to drink. I am reluctant to even drink water as I feel every cup of water I drink is one less cup of 40, but during the doldrums I have found myself expanding my horizons in the beverage field. After years of diligent research at the prestigious Belmont Beverage University, these are my findings:
1. Franzia (Sunset Blush or Chablis):
Franzia is not unlike juice boxes we enjoyed as kids; addictively delicious and goes down easy. What distinguishes Franzia is that it contains amounts of alcohol that are arguably biohazardous –a true sign of perfection! You can’t really go wrong with detrimental levels of alcohol masked beneath a fruity, boxy veil. It’s all the joie de vivre of childhood, with all the immaturity of being a drunken adult. Another standout factor of Franzia is how quickly you’ll lose consciousness upon drinking it. People who have “Franzia nights” report waking up in foreign places, missing most of their clothes and memory. If you really think about it, “blacking out” is like the same thing as “lucking out.” Success!
2. MD 20/20 Mad Dog
If Franzia were ashes, Mad Dog would be the Phoenix rising from them. Mad Dog tastes identical to Hi-C, but has better vitamins, namely alcohol. Even more so than Franzia, Mad Dog is conducive to destruction of property, unconsciousness, and incest. It comes in delicious fruity flavors and contains so much sugar that you will start involuntarily shaking, (or that could just be the alcohol). Either way, next time you find yourself having some sort of crisis in your life, desperately searching for a glimmer of hope, skip all of the meditative soul-searching bullshit, and get a Mad Dog.
3. 99/1 Gin & Tonic
Gin and Tonics are fantastic, or at least they were. Unfortunately due to rising concerns about health risks and all that other malarkey, the true integrity of the beverage has been called into question. Case in point, if you happen to stumble into a café and order a gin and tonic, chances are you’ll get 75% tonic, 25% gin, and 100% bullshit. As a general rule, I like gin and tonics to be like my mud wrestlers, strong enough to hurt me, and not full of tonic.
4. Four Loko
A cousin of the 40, how fitting that number 4 on this list is the magic potion otherwise known as Four Loko. Allegedly distilled from the urine of Cerberus, it contains enough caffeine to command Charlie Sheen’s undivided attention. It starts out at 12 proof and goes up to 24, so by the time you’re through with Four Loko, your liver will empathize with Tina Turner. One thing worth noting: you can probably cross “make good decisions” and “sleep” off of your list, as neither one will be happening anytime soon after consumption.
5. Whisky on the Rocks
I guess we’ve come full circle –in the end there’s really no reason to drink anything else. 40s are to humans what air is to humans: perfect, refreshing, life-giving sustenance. You know that magic moment when a Mother has just given birth, and is looking at and holding her child for the first time? It’s described as being the most fulfilling, sentimental moment in one’s lifetime. That’s how I feel every time I drink a 40.