If you’ve ever been unfortunate enough to argue with a “hippy,” or anyone going through a phase involving drinking herbal tea, camping, and reading Henry David Thoreau, you’ve probably heard the following words:
“I only put natural things in my body.”
“I don’t trust that, it’s unnatural.”
This of course, makes perfect sense —providing you have the IQ of Snooki’s unborn child, and long-term untreated syphilis (her child probably has that too). What is it about the word “natural” that lulls everyone into a smug sense of self-assurance? It makes it incredibly easy for companies whose job it is to adapt to trends and stay relevant, to sell rehashed bullshit to oblivious purchasers under the guise of being “natural.” All they do is stamp the magic words somewhere on the packaging and people eat that shit up like gluttonous vultures.
This logical fallacy is being thrown left and right in political and social spheres —which pisses me off almost more than Enya. People argue against gay marriage and birth control because they’re “unnatural,” while on the flipside, a lot of dipshit potheads argue for legalization of marijuana because they “trust everything that comes from Mother Earth.” Really? Next time try arsenic, shit head. (Note: marijuana should be legalized, but not because it’s “natural.” There is nothing natural about ingesting smoke.)
In a futile attempt to debunk this ubiquitous myth, here is a list of some things that are natural, versus things that are not:
Climate control —that’s right, how do you like the luxury of having regulated heat in the winter and AC in the summer? Don’t like it? Great! Build a fire and enjoy freezing to death while watching your house burn down —I’ll be the last to join you. Buildings in the developed world are corporate, meaning they’re well lit, earthquake resistant, climate-controlled, and free of bugs and rodents. There is nothing “natural” about that, and yet it seems to be most people’s preference.
Facebook — that’s right, the social media juggernaut that all you idiots use to
singlehandedly take down Joseph Kony (contribute nothing at all to the world) is being powered by electricity and runs on a global system of interconnected computer networks. There is literally nothing natural about it.
Prosthetic Limbs — Ever plan on losing a limb? Most people don’t, and most people probably aren’t going to be clinging on to their “It’s unnatural” mantra when in desperate need of an appendage. Hypocrites!
Feeding Tubes — made of polyurethane or silicone, these are typically used for, oh you know, saving lives.
Defibrillation — So you thought it was natural to have high-powered electrodes shocking your heart and bringing you back to life right? Of course not, you didn’t think.
Smart phones, GPS, contact lenses, SCUBA, the Internet, iPods, airplanes, vaccines, remote controls, Antihistamines, Chucky E Cheese, the list goes on… Now let’s take a look at some things that are naturally occurring.
Anthrax, hurricanes, tapeworms, avalanches, Malaria, AIDS, earthquakes, bears, cockroaches, influenza…Over 9,000+ poisonous plants, thousands of diseases, bacteria, moulds, viruses, parasites etc. Read a list about all the great natural things in the world here.
My appeal is simple, next time you find yourself about to open your mouth boasting about how great something is because it’s natural —don’t. That being said, there is one thing, which occurs naturally and does live up to the hype: 40s. Thanks to Mother Nature there is a process known as saccharification which turns cereal grains into fermented sugar. The end result is typically me drinking the sugar and being happy. I love 40s.
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